| | " People have oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult. that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it." R.M. Rilke
Last week,
I went to a show in williamsburg:no, no not the hip bedford avenue you've heard of or maybe have an opinion on where a great thriftstore or sangria spot is, no this was more wandering around dark streets where the streetlights had blown, past a couple of housing projects, with scary crouching cats, and teenage guys on corners saying, "mmmmmhhhhmm mommie, where you goin?" past a deserted school yard and one or two bodegas where the biggest sellers are lottery tickets. passing a whole lot of abandoned things, warehouses with their screen gates pulled down and doublelocked. triple locked. after being briefly followed by an unmarked car with only its parking lights on and passing a black van, with windows spraypainted black and the words, 'Upward Mobility Limosine Service" printed on the side, we met up with the person who had led us here. He directs us to a wooden door, marked only with the building number, 200, and we open up into a huge open dark warehouse space. red light fixtures shine down, and red light bulbs light up the "bar". the place is packed with ... (how cliche)...hipsters. but thats what they were. dozens of boys in tight jeans and hoodies, girls in thrift store get ups or sweaters and converse chuck taylors. the age range is wide, but only from about 19 to 29 i'd say. oh, and the music pumps. wa ump wa ump wa ump.... afterwards, god miraculously brought me chips and salsa. and as i went to sleep around 3:30 i thought " i am making an idol out of myself. out of the next fun thing. out of an image." and it felt sad and empty.
i watched a man die: on the 6 train, approx. 11:54 pm. I stared at him, as he lay there on the car floor, not moving, still. he moved his jaw slightly, like there were words he wanted to get out, but they were stuck inside his head, on the other side of unconscous. i yelled for a doctor. i didn't do cpr. his heart had stopped. i know cpr. i watched the chest compressions,done by someone else, and the breathing, done by someone else. he was not breathing. he did not respond. .. i walked home 4 avenues, 20 blocks, thinking, " where was he coming from? where was he going?" and i prayed to be a better daughter, to pray and believe it could do something.
I got a new job, at a restaurant called Tabla where i get, count 'em, TWO meals a day for FREEE... (this is like manna from heaven.)
i was followed home by a woman screaming, "EXCUSE ME?! EXCUSE ME?! EXCUSE ME?!' ...hmm
i was a student at New School for exactly 48 hours.
I met a man named "stanley". ole miss, class of '03? anybody know him??
I met someone who spent the first 13 years of his life living in a cult commune, in , (who knew?) brooklyn, mississippi.
i have a friend who became ill after a strenuous yoga session, and had to seek refuge in her brand new yoga teacher's apartment. it was either his couch or vomitting and death. before she left he gave her a cap to keep her head warm "Oh, I've got plenty of 'em. lets see here, this one's Prada. How bought that?" ...only in new york...
....
i don't like being away from friends. anyone want to go to chevron, eat some chicken on a stick and an eggroll ? wander around wal-mart? devour some smoothie skittles and cherry vanilla diet coke from sonic? develop some photos in the dark room? drink a cup of earl grey? find a field to twirl in with a sunset behind it? yeeeeeah.
to my friends who are hurting, who i haven't called because i am a bad friend: I am so sorry. i am sinfully distracted with nothing much. i am sorry the world is broken. i wish i was there to hold your hand. some of my heart is breaking with yours, even with all these miles between.i love you very very much. thank you. let's talk soon.
"Lord you're leading me, with a cloud by day. and then in the night, the glow of a burning flame. and everywhere i go i see you. everywhere i go i see you..."
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| | Posted 1/31/2006 12:38 AM - 9 Views - 10 eProps - 5 comments
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